I loved this woman. Love her still. I don't even know how old she is, nor do I have a photo of her. She's my ex-husband's maternal grandmother, and the sweetest person I think I've ever known, or will ever know again.
A true lady. Her hair is snow white now, and she's very sick. They called the family in because they don't think she's going to be alive much longer. Bonnie and Sarah came to me to ask me to go see her, they said that before she'd gone into this coma, the only coherent things Mary spoke in the past couple of years, were to sing gospel songs, and to ask where I was.
I don't let my family see me cry. That's for the privacy of the shower. I don't know why. Crying isn't so bad. I just can't do it in front of anyone. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like a wuss. Just give me the noise of the shower and I can cry with the best of them. This though, just this woman. This made me cry. Like a baby. In front of Sarah.
Seeing Mary lay there helpless and alone and old and dying. I stood there holding her hand, and took a trip down memory lane. I know she knew I was there, she squeezed my hand and looked at me for a long time. The kids said she'd not been doing anything but fluttering her eyes earlier. I wondered if she was taking that same trip down memory lane, while I held her hand doing my own remembering.
Have you ever known anyone who just found joy in everything? I don't mean like the.. she was always smiling - just like a retard kind of joy - I mean true joy. Real feelings of profound appreciation for life.. This woman had that. I never once heard her say something scathing about anyone else. Not once. I never heard her even grumble. About anything. Ever. No complaints. Just a serene smile on her face, gentle kind eyes, amused and full of love and wonder.
The bible says something like.. come unto me with the heart of a child. the humbleness of a child.. something to that effect - and if you take this literally..well.. I have no doubt, Mary will be sitting in heaven in her own beautiful palace, wearing a gold crown and white robe someday soon.
I don't remember how many children she had. There were quite a few. One, of them, a daughter, I remember her name was Junie, took Edward's (Mary's husband) gun out behind their house, and shot and killed herself. To the best of my knowledge, no one ever really knew why. Edward dealt with it by promptly forgetting he ever had a daughter named Junie, and Mary, well, she'd speak of it sometimes, but not the death, just she'd say something like "Junie liked this or that." I wish I'd listened harder.
Anyway.. Mary had another son who died a few years back suddenly of a heart problem. Edward had already passed on some years earlier, from Alzheimers.
Mary had a life of tragedy.. a life of her full share of pain and trials, but the Mary I knew was a truly wonderful woman, full of strength, good humor and courage.
After Edward passed away, I spent a lot of time with her. I wasn't working, my girls were small and I'd call Mary and ask her if she wanted to hang out with me. She always said yes, and so I'd go pick her up, and we'd take a drive, drive the whole day away, she'd point out the leaves on the trees if it was fall, gasp at the beautiful colors, or she'd see a familiar place and tell me about it. She'd point out places she remembered from her younger days, and tell me stories about other places we'd pass. Always, her stories were happy and upbeat. That's how her mind worked. She remembered happy things. Never dark and gloomy things. We'd stop and take the girls to a restaurant to eat then we'd drive some more. Towards evening, we would never be ready to end the day. She'd come home with me, and we'd talk some more and have a glass of pop, and watch a little television, and then she would be ready to go home.
We did this often, one or two times a week for a long long time after Edward passed away. I truly enjoyed her company and she knew it. She enjoyed mine just as much.
After the divorce, I moved away and we didn't keep in touch anymore. I stopped going to her house, I guess I just didn't want to run into the ex in laws, or my ex husband, or maybe I just got caught up in my new life. I don't know.
I called her now and then, and took the girls to see her once in a while, but not often, not nearly as often as I should have. Our outings just stopped completely. I was working so much, so very much, I barely had time for the girls, much less to go take her out for a ride. God damn me.
I did give her my telephone number, and told her to keep it to herself, and that if she ever needed me, to call me. The call never came.
I only kept up with how she was doing through Sarah and Bonnie. The girls would come home from a weekend with their dad and tell me that she had asked after me, or that their dad would take his new wife to visit her, she'd look at the woman with him, dismiss her and ask him, "Where's Juel?"
That always made me feel so damned good.
Last year, or maybe 2 years back, Bonnie came in and told me that Mary's daughter Trudy had put Mary in a nursing home. She said that Mary had fallen outside of her house over by the garden, and she'd broken her hip. She lay there all day, no one came and checked on her, and that evening someone found her lying there and after that she couldn't be left alone anymore. Bonnie said that Trudy had her sisters and brothers sign over power of attorney of Mary to herself, saying she would take care of Mary, get a live in caregiver for her, but instead put her in a nursing home.
Bonnie said that she and her father and her grandmother would go see Mary and Mary would just sit and cry, sing gospel songs and nothing more. She would recognize Bonnie, and ask "Where's Juel?".
I meant to go see her. I made plans to. So many times I really meant to go and something would come up and I put it off and I never went. Not to the nursing home. Lord I'm angry with myself right now for not having gone. How I wish I hadn't put it off. God how I so wish I would have gone while she was still able to talk.
Audelle told me a long while back, that Mary had looked all over the place for my phone number, and couldn't remember where she hid it. I believe she said she'd later found it in Mary's purse that was hidden in a closet.
Her hands were always so soft. They were still soft tonight. I was holding her hand and remembering and I started crying, and she looked up at me and made a perfect frown with her lips.. obviously displeased with that. I was weeping like a child. I couldn't help it.
I'd taken a necklace with me, one of the pieces I'd gotten from ebay, to give her. She didn't have on any jewelry, I hope she's not allergic.. Sarah leaned over and put it on her, and she told her it was from me, and Mary kept her eyes on Sarah the whole time she was putting it on her. Just this tears me all to hell.
Why didn't I go see her before tonight. What the hell was I thinking. I divorced Marty, not Mary. God.
Bonnie commented tonight, 'the nurse said she might pull out of this'.. God I hope so. I surely hope so. If she does, I won't put off visiting her anymore.
I vow that.
Sarah and I left the hospital at about 1:30 this morning. We stopped and went in to eat at a restaurant, had a nice meal, a good time talking, laughing and remembering other good times we've had. That part of the day was pretty good.
Mikyla and Mallory are doing great, they were little balls of energy today.. so that part was good too.
Joel, sweet Joel, tonight we had what I'll call our "jabfest" - where he made sounds for a long long moment then stared at me, and then I mimicked the sounds he just made while he listened quietly until I was done, then he'd do his noises again and then stare at me as if to say ok mammy, your turn, and I'd do it right back. I think he'd have done it forever if I hadn't given up first..
I have a good life. I have a wonderful family. I hope when I'm old and on my death bed.. that someone.. some.. one.. can truly sit and have wonderful memories of me, and can be able to say nice things... even if they're only half as sweet as the memories I have of Mary.
If so, I'll be content.
God bless you Mamaw Disney, I love you.
Posted by juel at October 29, 2003 05:33 AM