Before you read this excerpt from the Manual, please refer to this link:
http://www.darkdarling.com/weblog/archives/000337.html
And now, for your reading pleasure, I bring you the first excerpt from the aforementioned recently discovered Handbook:
Big Mouth No Brain Books
Published by Big Mouth No Brain Books
Copyright 1812 by William Joseph James Robert Smith
All Rights Reserved
Chapter 1, Page 1)
Welcome to the most important club you will ever join. My name is William Joseph James Robert, but you can call me Billy Joe Jim Bob. I come from humble origins, from a long line of men who have lived their lives according to the codes found in this book, which was up until now unwrit and unpublished.
I saw a need, and I got busy. I told my woman exactly what I wanted writ down, and now we have here and forevermore, the code of conduct, secrets, rules and recipes for a long and happy life. I was happy when my woman read it back to me, because it said just what I wanted it to say.
First of very all, we must set our sights on a woman we would like to marry. We must woo and coddle her, make her think her life with us will be all roses and romance. Since women are basically stupid, it's a simple thing to have them believe this. The momentary humiliation of doing little things for them, like opening a door for them, or giving them a wild flower you picked by the side of the road, will be far outweighed by the long term benefits. Believe me.
Do what you have to do. Say what you have to say. Make them smile, cause them to giggle. Bring them gifts, yes, even brush their hair for them. Only slap them when you just can't see no other way around it, and then say you're sorry and give her a present. It doesn't have to be much, a cheap trinket will work just fine.
The object is to get a wife. The thing is, you don't want her to know that. You must never EVER let her know that. It is all important that you make her think that marriage is the last thing you want. You must make her think that while you enjoy her company, that's all it will ever be. You MUST let her believe that you have only come around to a mind of marriage after painstakingly fighting the emotions that have eventually come to overpower your common sense. Also, make it known early that you don't think you want children. The reason for this will be explained on deeper in the
Page 2)
book.
Now she's hooked. You have your wife, you are newly married. You want to start out on the right foot. You want to be in control, you want to call the shots, you want to see to it that you're the head of the household, and if you don't teach her this right from the start, it will be damned near impossible to change later in your marriage.
The first week, you must disagree with everything. When she asks you if you want eggs for breakfast tell her no, even if you really do want eggs for breakfast. When she fries up a batch of the flapjacks you asked for, push them away and tell her you wanted eggs. She'll look at you like she doesn't know you, but again, remember, she's stupid, remind her who you are. Her man.
Act like it. Let her know just what's what and do not bend. She'll probably cry, but just thrust out your chest and belt her one to give her something to cry about. If you can't bring yourself to give her a good slap, you can at least make her feel stupid by looking at her like you don't even know her.
Women care about how things look. That's how they are. It's stupid I know, but use that to train them. They aren't very likely to leave that first week in the marriage because it would look bad to their family and friends if they tuck tail and run after only 7 or 8 days. You will be amazed at how far you can get in the conditioning and training of your woman in just one week.
We are men. It is our duty to train our women and let them know right off the bat who wears the pants. We all know that women are stupid. It's up to us to teach them that. We begin our lesson by sharing what we've learned works best for teaching our women how stupid they really are.
One of the first things you must remember to do, is to tell your woman she's behaving "just like her mother". I've learned that women don't like to hear that. Once you point out this very important piece of information, your woman will do everything she can to avoid behaving that way. Even if she isn't behaving like her mother, when you see something out of her that you don't approve of, just say the words, "You're acting just like your mother." Or even more scalding, "You look just like your mother when you do that." Or, "You sound just like your mother." You get the jist.
If you can remember to do this, this is the beginning of a successful union between you and your woman.
At every opportunity, make SURE to point out what she's done wrong, and then show her the right way to do it. Women are like children. We can't expect them to know everything right away. If we don't teach them, how will they know? Remember, basically, they're stupid.
You must bear in mind, that even once trained, they will forget and slip back into their childish ways, and even until the end of your life, you will be forced to re-train them, remind them, so don't think this is an easy task. We are men. We can repeat things as often as we have to, to get the job done.
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The end of the first excerpt. I will add more as time permits. Address questions or comments to me at dhari@darkdarling.com
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Posted by juel at December 21, 2004 11:43 PM