Lately, though Sarah isn't working anymore right now, I find myself busier than I was before. Busy with my house, busy checking in on Dad and Mom, worrying about them, busy helping Sarah at her house, busy worrying about O.J. with Stan, and looking after her kids more than I had been. Busy birthday shopping, for Dad and Mikyla. Too busy this week to remember to ask Bonnie how her day was. Too busy to ask her to sit with me for pop or coffee when she gets off work, tired.. eager for her to pick up Joel and go home so I can rest. Too busy with other things, and too tired to want to keep Joel extra for her so she can have a break. I didn't realize I was hurting her feelings and tonight she was pretty upset at me.
I do keep Sarah's girls a lot.. they're good company for me and have been here with me since they were pups. But then so has Joleybean. Ah hell, I don't know what I was thinking, I didn't mean to hurt Bonnie's feelings or make her feel like a Black Sheep. I try to justify not keeping Joel like I do the girls, by saying he's in this terrible 2 business - so fast, grabbing at everything, into everything...he runs me ragged - he won't stay in his crib at naptime anymore, and he will NOT stay in the playpen for the time it takes me to put him in it until he climbs out - and when Bon gets in from work, I'm so relieved to turn him back over to her I guess she sees that and misconstrues it that I don't love him like I do the girls. That's not true, I adore the lil twirp, but I think I'm a bit older now and it's harder to keep up with Joel for me now than it was even just last year with Mallory. Hell, Mallory wore me out last year.. poor Maegan. She'll be 2 in almost 3 years, and egads, I hope she doesn't feel super left out.. I'll be 46 then. EGADS!
Bonnie, I'm sorry for making you feel like that. I honestly didn't mean to. I love you honey, and I love Joel. Never doubt it. Sometimes, seeing how independant you are, and how you just seem to have it all together, I forget you still need me. When I'm reminded of how much you do, I confess, it actually surprises me. I'm sorry. I should have known.
Posted by juel at April 23, 2005 01:11 AM