You have to be so careful. Even at your very best, you never know how your kids are going to turn out. What seems like a small, insignificant thing can grow to huge proportions later in life.. you'll have a little memory clip of that moment, and you'll wonder.. oh my God, when that happened, did it hurt my child?
You'll wave off something that's troubling and say oh they're too little to remember.. but when you're older, you come to realize, sweet Jesus, they did remember.. and then you think, wow, I'm so ashamed.
It seems like when you're a young parent, you know everything.. but when you get older and look back, you can see every mistake. Every single one. My advice to young mothers.. try your best, your very best not to make them. Because it's not just your kids who pay.. believe me, it's you. And you pay in spades. Little eyes are watching you when you don't even realize they are. No one's perfect. I've heard that said. But when you're a mother... you're expected to be as close to perfect as possible.
Little people feel embarrassment, disappointment, shame, all the same ugly feelings big people feel, the only difference is that they turn it into "me". To them, they're the reasons for all the ugly feelings. What kind of mom would want to do that to her children? Not many, not intentionally, anyway. Try to remember that they're little sponges. ABC's aren't the only things they absorb.
Sometimes as a young mother, you get caught up in other things. Your life, your needs and desires, and sometimes it's easy to forget what your child needs. It's so easy to justify the things you do by saying, they won't know, they won't remember, they'll understand some day, it's just this once, we always have tomorrow.. maybe you think someone else is there to pull up the slack. Maybe you think this emotional or physical absense is okay because someone else is there. Just this once, it'll be okay.. oh just this one time.. I'm here to tell you, it's not okay. It's not okay at all.
The person you think is picking up the slack is wonderful. Thank God for them. But your children need you. Not a sub. Not a fraction of you, not you for a day.. but you. There will never be a day that your little ones don't need you.
When you're older. you see and can count the times you weren't there.. or you were only partially there. Lord, let me promise you, your kids will move on, but there are moments you're going to live over and over again.. and regret, over and over again. Your children will remember, but you will dwell on them.
You can't give them material things? In this day and age, why not? They don't need the best money can by, not by a long shot, but they do need things. You can't give them Christmas? Why not? Christmas has been coming for 364 days since the last one. Your husband died? You can't find work... You're a mother. Perform a miracle. Even a small one will do, but for heaven's sakes, you'd better at least put forth your best effort. Three little letters. TRY.
Excuses won't cut it. "My man has beaten me down so far I can't get up. I don't want to try. I don't want to get up. I can't do it. I can't make it, I.. I.. I."
Life has dealt me a bad hand, I don't have the money, I don't have the drive, I don't have the desire... I'm too depressed.. Enough with the "I's" already. You've had your turn, things haven't worked out. Now it's their turn. It's not "I" anymore, it's "them". You made them... now you have to do your best to take care of them. In all aspects. Emotionally, and physically.
My dad says.. "Never do something you have to look over a coffin and regret." That's very wise. Treat everyone decently. You never know. Yes, Gramma Edna on Hubby's dad's side, Yes, cousin Jimbo on Mother in law's mother's side. Everyone. But while you're treating those people decently, don't forget to stop and look at your own children. Have you treated them decently? Have you let them know you love them, or have you been behaving in a way that puts dread into their hearts?
I don't care how young you are, or how old you are. If you're a mother, you've signed on to the most important job you'll ever have. There are no days off. If you've spread those legs, and you've had a child, you and you alone have to see to it that those children you made are taken care of.
What about dad? Yes, dad's important. You're salt and he's the pepper. Dads will be there. Most of them. Dads try. Dads love. Dads are a different breed. Some fathers can love and raise a child that will be healthier and more whole than some raised by wonderfully loving mothers. But dads aren't moms. Remember that when there's a split up, dad's usually go their own way. The children are for the most part left with "mom". So if you make one. Prepare to take care of it. Don't sit there flopping your mouth about how daddy just doesn't do enough. Don't expect it, and you won't have to cry and go on about how you just can't cope alone. You knew that possibility existed when you laid down and had the baby.
And women don't think for a New York minute that you can just toss your child anything and it'll be ok. It's not okay. Just barely doesn't cut it. Anything will do in a pinch, won't cut it. Any old coat won't cut it. Any old meal won't cut it. In everything you do, do the BEST that you can do, anything less just won't cut it. It's insulting. Insulting to the kids, and insulting to yourself. Just you won't realize that until you're older.
Men, before you grab a woman and make a baby with her, remember.. You'd better be damned good and sure she's worth her salt, that she has a good backbone, a hefty dose of common sense, she knows how to laugh, that she's not afraid of hard work, and that she's tenacious. You don't want one who's going to give up at halftime. If she's self serving and egotistical, toss her back. Get one who is going to be a good mother to your kids. You will never know hell, until you have a child by a mother who isn't any count.
If you're a mother, and you read this and scratch your head wondering where on earth this came from... let me just say that the little ones aren't the only ones who are watching. If you're feeling guilty and this post irks you as accusatory, or it gives you an itch to smack me, maybe you better sit back and re-evaluate yourself and your priorities. Because mothers who read this who have tried to be good mothers are sitting there nodding and smilling, rooting for me for having the guts to voice this - "yes, you go, girl! you tell them! You tell them! Those of you that this pisses off.. you have something to think about. You must be slacking in some way.
Everyone sees. Just most don't comment. I'm too opinionated for my own bitchy good. I watch the news. I read the paper. I see you on the streets and in the stores. We all do. Yes. Get paranoid. Your children are watching you. Everyone is watching you. Now shit or get off the pot.
Those little ones aren't going to be little forever. They're not going to 'need' you forever. They're not going to be pushed aside by you for all those other more important things, forever. They're not going to smile and pretend to understand forever. They grow up faster than you think.
They're the ones who are going to choose your nursing home when you're old.
Posted by juel at December 14, 2005 05:05 AM