Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you are gonna love this
one. She was hit w/a curve ball. Read on.....
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new
dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his
full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy
with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd
years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret
crush on way back then??
When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such
thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was
much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he???
After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High
School.
"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.
"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did YOU TEACH
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MEDICARE AT ITS BEST!
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normall y we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him."
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors:
green,red,orange,blue,and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring at him.
The teenager finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock...........
I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Mom and Dad:
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the
old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown,tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14" Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
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CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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Gota love the old people ...this one will crack you up
A postal worker was sorting mail a week before
Christmas when he came across a letter addressed
to God. Since it would be destroyed he decided to
open the letter and read it.
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited
two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to
turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later,another letter came from the
old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened, It read.
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had
a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the
way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna