...and the people who walk on them.
Before I begin, let me just say.. that only your best friend would tell you something like this.. so don't be offended.. my gentle acquaintance.. just...
GO WASH YOUR FEET!!!
Really. Several times a day, if necessary, for you're making me sick. You take off your shoes at the door and I get so sick at my stomach I double up and groan. I do.. you just haven't noticed.
Then you sit to watch television, and inadvertanly, you wriggle your toes. For the love of God, DON'T WRIGGLE YOUR TOES! Every little move sends that smell into the air like one of those room air fresheners set to go off every few minutes, only what you're putting out into the air isn't very refreshing... it's.. GOD AWFUL!
You know the little flowers they show in commercials for air fresheners? Turn those flowers into some foul salty sea bacterial crusted snails or something furry but yet molded.. floating in horrible assaulting wafts right straight for me..
Don't hand me that you just showered stuff, because I don't care if you DID just shower.. if you didn't bend over and scrub those dogs right hard, all you did was wet the bacteria and make it worse.. and I sit here imagining that your feet are cheese coated.. teaming with something moving down there that I can't see.. and it's getting in my carpet..
I imagine you walking everywhere, slipping and sliding inside your shoes, they've got to be all slimy.. anything that smells like that has to be the child of something so very slimy...
I don't care if it's a gland thing. I don't care if it's 'just your shoes'. I don't care if it takes amputation, if you don't do something about them, I'm going to call 911 next time you're here.
Me: HELP! Something rotten's in my Den!
Operator: Ma'am, this line's just for emergencies...
Me: This is an emergency! My air is polluted, and I swear to God I think I'm gonna die if I have to sit here with my eyes tearing up like this just one more minute!
Ever hear of Doctor Scholls? Wash your feet. Powder your feet. Wash your shoes.. Wear white socks. STOP WRIGGLING YOUR TOES!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WASH YOUR FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!!