December 12, 2006
I'd Like A Little Salt With My Crow...Please...
Mamaw, this is to you. I hope you can hear it from my heart, as I'm typing it.
This post is hard to write. For years, I've held the awfullest grudge towards Papaw ever was.. I'd call him from time to time.. go see him when I had to.. and think to myself, that's it, I had done my due, you would understand.
He was a 'mean' man. A mean person. I was determined not to subject my grandkids to him in any way...and when I did have them around him, I watched like a hawk to be sure he wasn't going to say cruel things to them, or do any of his 'scaring' or throwing things at them with that scowl on his face.
I'd say.. the Papaw I knew 'died' when you died.. after that he wasn't ever the same, he just was bitter and hateful and not the grandfather I'd grown up adoring. In truth I rarely thought about him. I admit I just lived my life from day to day and in time, I only rarely caught myself missing him. Even that though, didn't last long.
These months he's been at Mom's, I've been there because I knew Mom needed the help, and God knows I'd do anything for Mom... I just went, did what I needed to do, and that was it. I was helping Mom. Specifically.
I wish so much I could change things, the way things went. I would. I can't, but I can try to make them better now, and let go of the grudge. He'd changed so drastically towards me and my family back then, it made me angry, and yes, it made me bitter. I just didn't understand. But as time passes, the more I see of him, the more I talk with him, I'm beginning to see things more clearly.
I watched him with the kids tonight. Like I always do. They adore that man. Where he's at, that's where I'll find Maegan. She'll give him a thousand high 5's if we stay there that long.. she shares his Goldfish crackers.. jabbers at him as if he's listening and understanding every word. They all seem to be honestly fond of him, not the slightest bit afraid of him.. and it seems to be a reciprocated thing.
I guess you know I've not gone to vote since he and I parted company. I just never wanted to anymore. It was something he and I had done together since I'd turned 18, and after you passed on, I didn't want to go without him. I'd tell folks I went, and who I voted for.. but I just never went again. I'll have to ask him if anyone else took him after I left. I'm guessing he's not voted again either. Odd how that keeps going through my mind. I did miss him.
Anyway...I just wanted to apologise. I should have tried harder to dig and find out what the problem was, instead of becoming angry and resentful. I'm glad it's over. I'm going to stop sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to say 'aha, I knew he was just acting.. aha.. I knew this side of him would creep out eventually' I'm just going to stop all that nonsense, and enjoy what time we have left.
I let you down. Forgive me. It won't happen again.
I went to tell him g'nite before we left tonight.. I kissed his forehead, he grabbed my hand and held it to his face, and he said, Juel, I hope you know, I love you better than anything on this earth, I always have. It was heartfelt, and he meant it, called me by name, clear, rationally.. he went on to instruct me to take care of the kids and be sure they were okay, but I was NOT to be lifting them. I had to take care of myself. Vintage Papaw. *laughs* Now he's got me crying again, but it's a different kind of crying. What a sweetheart. He's back and I like it. He said when I'm well.. he should be well again too, and then we're going to get in the car and just take off.. leave the kids with Mom and he and I are gonna get out and get into stuff like we used to. I'm pretty sure there's gonna be pancakes and bacon eaten that day...and a soft serve ice cream cone and it'll probably involve some ducks and dry bread..something along those lines. And I know you'll be there with us. I can't wait!
She wooled him to death and he just kept smiling!
