Time is flying. I'm missing my net friends. Life is so hectic and so busy and full right now, I haven't had time to visit. I didn't get to sit down here at the computer until 4:30 this morning. When I looked up at the clock, it said 5:30, but I haven't set it back yet.
Only a couple of days left until halloween. Lisa and Nick came over tonight to get the coffin, but it started raining on them so they said they'd wait and get it tomorrow so the rain didn't hurt the thing. Halloween. Already. Frickin' Unbelievable..
Mom and Nick stopped by earlier today.. mom bearing a great big Walmart Bag. When I first saw it, I thought, oh, she went and got some things for Joel. But when I peeked inside, there were 2 pairs of jogging pants and 3 tees, for me!
I had commented to her the other day that I needed to go get some clothes, and she couldn't stand the thought that I didn't have clothes, and she said she knew I'd not go get them for myself. *laughs* Visions of a naked child just don't sit right with a mother. Bless her heart..
The kids, Mom and Lisa are about to bind and gag me to get me to the doc. I don't think I'll have much choice but than to go tomorrow. I do feel some better tonight though. Getting out did me some good. I think this has gone past bronchitis, straight into pneumonia. God I hate going to doctor. I'd rather eat nails!
Well, it's 6 a.m. now, and I have to get up to babysit soon. Bonnie has to go get some of her things, and Sarah is taking mikyla to her allergy doc, so I have to watch Joel and Mallory in a few hours. I have to sleep.
G'nite World.
I loved this woman. Love her still. I don't even know how old she is, nor do I have a photo of her. She's my ex-husband's maternal grandmother, and the sweetest person I think I've ever known, or will ever know again.
A true lady. Her hair is snow white now, and she's very sick. They called the family in because they don't think she's going to be alive much longer. Bonnie and Sarah came to me to ask me to go see her, they said that before she'd gone into this coma, the only coherent things Mary spoke in the past couple of years, were to sing gospel songs, and to ask where I was.
I don't let my family see me cry. That's for the privacy of the shower. I don't know why. Crying isn't so bad. I just can't do it in front of anyone. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like a wuss. Just give me the noise of the shower and I can cry with the best of them. This though, just this woman. This made me cry. Like a baby. In front of Sarah.
Seeing Mary lay there helpless and alone and old and dying. I stood there holding her hand, and took a trip down memory lane. I know she knew I was there, she squeezed my hand and looked at me for a long time. The kids said she'd not been doing anything but fluttering her eyes earlier. I wondered if she was taking that same trip down memory lane, while I held her hand doing my own remembering.
Have you ever known anyone who just found joy in everything? I don't mean like the.. she was always smiling - just like a retard kind of joy - I mean true joy. Real feelings of profound appreciation for life.. This woman had that. I never once heard her say something scathing about anyone else. Not once. I never heard her even grumble. About anything. Ever. No complaints. Just a serene smile on her face, gentle kind eyes, amused and full of love and wonder.
The bible says something like.. come unto me with the heart of a child. the humbleness of a child.. something to that effect - and if you take this literally..well.. I have no doubt, Mary will be sitting in heaven in her own beautiful palace, wearing a gold crown and white robe someday soon.
I don't remember how many children she had. There were quite a few. One, of them, a daughter, I remember her name was Junie, took Edward's (Mary's husband) gun out behind their house, and shot and killed herself. To the best of my knowledge, no one ever really knew why. Edward dealt with it by promptly forgetting he ever had a daughter named Junie, and Mary, well, she'd speak of it sometimes, but not the death, just she'd say something like "Junie liked this or that." I wish I'd listened harder.
Anyway.. Mary had another son who died a few years back suddenly of a heart problem. Edward had already passed on some years earlier, from Alzheimers.
Mary had a life of tragedy.. a life of her full share of pain and trials, but the Mary I knew was a truly wonderful woman, full of strength, good humor and courage.
After Edward passed away, I spent a lot of time with her. I wasn't working, my girls were small and I'd call Mary and ask her if she wanted to hang out with me. She always said yes, and so I'd go pick her up, and we'd take a drive, drive the whole day away, she'd point out the leaves on the trees if it was fall, gasp at the beautiful colors, or she'd see a familiar place and tell me about it. She'd point out places she remembered from her younger days, and tell me stories about other places we'd pass. Always, her stories were happy and upbeat. That's how her mind worked. She remembered happy things. Never dark and gloomy things. We'd stop and take the girls to a restaurant to eat then we'd drive some more. Towards evening, we would never be ready to end the day. She'd come home with me, and we'd talk some more and have a glass of pop, and watch a little television, and then she would be ready to go home.
We did this often, one or two times a week for a long long time after Edward passed away. I truly enjoyed her company and she knew it. She enjoyed mine just as much.
After the divorce, I moved away and we didn't keep in touch anymore. I stopped going to her house, I guess I just didn't want to run into the ex in laws, or my ex husband, or maybe I just got caught up in my new life. I don't know.
I called her now and then, and took the girls to see her once in a while, but not often, not nearly as often as I should have. Our outings just stopped completely. I was working so much, so very much, I barely had time for the girls, much less to go take her out for a ride. God damn me.
I did give her my telephone number, and told her to keep it to herself, and that if she ever needed me, to call me. The call never came.
I only kept up with how she was doing through Sarah and Bonnie. The girls would come home from a weekend with their dad and tell me that she had asked after me, or that their dad would take his new wife to visit her, she'd look at the woman with him, dismiss her and ask him, "Where's Juel?"
That always made me feel so damned good.
Last year, or maybe 2 years back, Bonnie came in and told me that Mary's daughter Trudy had put Mary in a nursing home. She said that Mary had fallen outside of her house over by the garden, and she'd broken her hip. She lay there all day, no one came and checked on her, and that evening someone found her lying there and after that she couldn't be left alone anymore. Bonnie said that Trudy had her sisters and brothers sign over power of attorney of Mary to herself, saying she would take care of Mary, get a live in caregiver for her, but instead put her in a nursing home.
Bonnie said that she and her father and her grandmother would go see Mary and Mary would just sit and cry, sing gospel songs and nothing more. She would recognize Bonnie, and ask "Where's Juel?".
I meant to go see her. I made plans to. So many times I really meant to go and something would come up and I put it off and I never went. Not to the nursing home. Lord I'm angry with myself right now for not having gone. How I wish I hadn't put it off. God how I so wish I would have gone while she was still able to talk.
Audelle told me a long while back, that Mary had looked all over the place for my phone number, and couldn't remember where she hid it. I believe she said she'd later found it in Mary's purse that was hidden in a closet.
Her hands were always so soft. They were still soft tonight. I was holding her hand and remembering and I started crying, and she looked up at me and made a perfect frown with her lips.. obviously displeased with that. I was weeping like a child. I couldn't help it.
I'd taken a necklace with me, one of the pieces I'd gotten from ebay, to give her. She didn't have on any jewelry, I hope she's not allergic.. Sarah leaned over and put it on her, and she told her it was from me, and Mary kept her eyes on Sarah the whole time she was putting it on her. Just this tears me all to hell.
Why didn't I go see her before tonight. What the hell was I thinking. I divorced Marty, not Mary. God.
Bonnie commented tonight, 'the nurse said she might pull out of this'.. God I hope so. I surely hope so. If she does, I won't put off visiting her anymore.
I vow that.
Sarah and I left the hospital at about 1:30 this morning. We stopped and went in to eat at a restaurant, had a nice meal, a good time talking, laughing and remembering other good times we've had. That part of the day was pretty good.
Mikyla and Mallory are doing great, they were little balls of energy today.. so that part was good too.
Joel, sweet Joel, tonight we had what I'll call our "jabfest" - where he made sounds for a long long moment then stared at me, and then I mimicked the sounds he just made while he listened quietly until I was done, then he'd do his noises again and then stare at me as if to say ok mammy, your turn, and I'd do it right back. I think he'd have done it forever if I hadn't given up first..
I have a good life. I have a wonderful family. I hope when I'm old and on my death bed.. that someone.. some.. one.. can truly sit and have wonderful memories of me, and can be able to say nice things... even if they're only half as sweet as the memories I have of Mary.
If so, I'll be content.
God bless you Mamaw Disney, I love you.
Babies, laughter..the screaming, the fighting. I love it. All of it. I love being part of their lives. I love watching them grow.
I love seeing the expressions on Mikyla's little face, as she's working something out in her mind. Hearing her explain her reasoning for this or that. She's amazing. She keeps me smiling - laughing out loud most times. The child is so smart, so quick witted. She surely seems older than 3 years. She loves to help me cook in the kitchen and we have a good time doing it. She's very tempramental though, as soon as one teeny thing goes wrong she falls apart. *laughs* I wonder where she gets that from... and bossy.. shew law is she bossy. One would think she's a Leo. I really and honestly don't think she's going to be walked on throughout her life. She's got too much spunk for that.. thank God. My hair is grown back, long enough for her to tug on and she does..
she picks on me constantly, all in good nature, she's surely the light of my life.
Not that the others aren't.
Mallory has become quite a little person too. She though, is more gentle, more soft spoken, more maternal. She makes sure we have our socks on, and a blanket if it's chilly, if we look hungry or thirsty to her, she'll trek into the kitchen and come back with something from the fridge to munch on or drink.
For all her gentleness, she takes up for herself with her sister. She mimicks every move Mikyla makes. But.. she doesn't take no crap either. If Mik swipes one of Mal's toys, or steps on Mal's toes in some way.. Mallory tears in to her like a tiger. EGADS those two can fight! When I get on to her for fighting, biting, or hair pulling, she cries for a bit, then can't stand it, she can NOT stand thinking I'm upset or angry with her, she can't stand feeling disapproval, she has to come cuddle up and get a kiss and a hug and then she's ok again. God love her heart, I don't think she'll take anyone's crap when she's older, but I do think she'll be less aggressive about not taking it. She's got a true heart of gold.
I better never live to see anyone mistreating her.. (or any of them) .. there'd be literal hell to pay, I swear it.
Joel. What a darling. Those eyes just shine, and he smiles and laughs with his whole being. He cries quite a bit, but from what I've seen, it's when he's frustrated trying to roll over, reach for something just out of reach, or when he's wet or hungry or tired. I can't believe he's gonna be 5 months old already.
He looks a lot like Bonnie now.
I have a problem liking his daddy, for what he did Bonnie's last month of pregnancy. I don't think I'll ever get over that, but this new thing, ahhhh i tell ya, I wish Bonnie hadn't ever set eyes on this guy. They're seperated again, he hit her. Then tried to manipulate her to stay with him by cutting his wrists in front of her. The thing is, he did it in front of a neighbor who was standing there with a cell phone. The neighbor called the police and they took him to the hospital.
I called to check on him, his sister seemed incredulous but she had him phone me back. He was as incredulous but promised me he'd call me if he ever took the notion to pull a stunt like that again. Just to talk first. He wouldn't promise not to try it again. I think if he really meant to die, he'd not have done it in front of anyone, but you never know about people like that.
Anyway. Bonnie and the baby are going to be here for a couple of days. Maybe one of these days she'll get herself lined up. God I pray so.
I've watched this dvd about 8 times. This is the first musical I've ever seen and I have to say I absolutely LOVE it!
The music, the plot, the presentation, no wonder it won so many awards..it's fantastic!
I took it to mom's and she and Lisa watched it with me.. I don't think they were too fond of it, mom seemed to like it a degree more than Lisa did, but both of them looked more than a little relieved when it was over. They both said they liked it, but I know them.. *laughs* they didn't!
Dad, however, true to form was more honest. His dvd player wouldn't work, so in order to watch it, Lisa had to go to her house and get hers. When the movie ended, dad looked over his glasses at me and said calmly, "Juel. No wonder my player refused to work. You'd refuse to work too if someone tried to play that stupid thing in you. That was just DUMB." *laughs* he hated it and wasn't about to be polite about it.
Sarah watched it with me here, and she really liked it. I think "Mr. Celephane" was her favorite scene, mine, I can't decide, I really loved it all.. but there's 4 scenes I really enjoyed.. I think the puppet one was the very best, then Mr. Celephane, then the lawyer's tapdance, and then the prison cell tango. That was really cool..
I can't help it. I loved it. I just did. Now I want to go to Amazon and find "Cats". I've always wanted to see that one too.
It's cold! My feet are freezing. But it was too hot in here a few minutes ago. Sarah had the oven on so we had to put on the air conditioner. Now it's cold.
I refuse to turn the heat on to counter the cold. I refuse! So now I have to be careful not to bump my toes on any furniture, or I might chip one off.
I have to clean this house, I swear, there are more cobwebs in here, than are in that house at 1313 Mockingbird Lane!
I'm just lazy. Lately I seem to have to fight with myself just to get anything done. One of these days, I'm gonna kick my own ass and win, and then I'll get up and get busy!
I wish I had a little notebook and pen, and that I would keep it in the pocket of my oxford shirt (that I don't have either) so that I could write down ideas as they hit me. I had the neatest idea earlier tonight for a ghost story but I forgot to jot it down on the back of an envelope and now I can't remember what it was.
Maybe it'll come back to me.
Someone left a quiz on one of the message boards I go to asking 'which killer are you'.. and someone else got the answer "Mary Bell". She was a child who killed, so naturally I had to go read up on Ms. Bell, and wow, she was wicked.
She's probably still alive out there some where, she's a mom now, and free, but for her privacy and protection's sake, all of her current information is being kept secret. Talk about one weird child.. she surely was one.
Well, It's just past 11, I think I'll go watch television, maybe step out onto the porch and see what's making this noise in my window.
G'nite World.
Fall has truly arrived and according to local news our trees should be reaching their peak color next week. I'd like to take the babies to the Penacle, and probably will Monday or Wednesday. I think they'd like it. We have to wait and see though, if it's going to be raining or sunny.
From there, you can look down and see three states - Tennessee, Virginia and Kentucky. It's beautiful this time of year, and it will be their first time seeing it.
I've slept most of the day today, it was a gorgeous day but I didn't want to do anything. Just sleep.
This evening, Sarah brought the babies over to watch a "spooky" movie. Obviously that was Mikyla's idea, because Mallory and Sarah can't like spooky movies. They had Jordyn with them - she was spending the night with them tonight, and she seemed to like the idea of spooky movies.
I told them to go pick out some dvd's of what they'd like to see and we'd watch ever what they picked out. Mikyla picked out 'Queen of the Damned' and Jordyn picked out 'Ghost Ship' but Mallory insisted we stick with Scooby Doo and Lilo & Stitch. Movies were taken in and out of that dvd player with more speed than I ever thought possible.. it was comical.
Then Cristy called and wanted to know if she could come watch movies too so of course she could, and did, and we got pizza and bread sticks from pizza hut and after a while, we talked the kids into playing in the den so we could watch 'Ghost Ship'. I love that movie.. but Sarah was as bad as Mallory for jumping up to run down the hall and hide her eyes. *laughs* chicken!
They all just left, going to Sarah's for the night, but Mallory didn't want to go. She clung to dippy saying "My don't mont to".. meaning she wanted to stay here. She had to go tonight though, they have church in the morning. My guess is they'll be able to stay here tomorrow night.
I enjoyed their company. That was fun.
Sarah made brownies and chocolate chip cookies, and popcorn and the babies seemed to enjoy the heck out of that.
As I type, there's an odd sound outside of my window. The sound of a really hard wind storm, angry harsh wind whistling into the small opening I have to let fresh air in here, but 'cept the wind isn't blowing. The chimes are still and there's nothing moving out there. I don't know what's making that sound. Odd..
I have so much to do, all I've accomplished this weekend was to catch up on my laundry but like a goob, I didn't put away my clothes, I just folded them or placed them on the bed in the middle room to put away later. At least the towels are all folded. I HATE folding those things. They're tedious!
I've had Bonnie on my mind a lot today, and Joel, I guess that's because she called Sarah yesterday. She's supposedly leaving Paul again this coming Thursday or Friday when she gets paid. Bleah, I still pray every day that she gets her head together. Poor Joel :(
Lisa called this evening while Sarah and Cristy was here. She sounds sick as can be. This will turn into bronchitis on her again, I just know it. That's the worst part about this change of weather, everyone getting sick. She caught this from Nick, whom I'm guessing caught it in school.
Mik and Mal's colds aren't too bad, they have a croupy cough and runny nose, but no fevers, no loss of appetite and they're full of playful energy, so for now, it's all good. I just hope Lisa gets better fast.
I think even Mom's got this. Ugh. I'm sneezing and that's all. I don't want another cold! I just got rid of one!
When I was a child, and had questions, I knew who had all the answers. My parents. When I was a young mother, and my children had questions, I could usually give them answers. It was easier than I expected...they didn't want long drawn out explanations, simple answers that made sense was all they were after.
Now, I'm ascared. I can answer small questions, but god help me, the big ones scare me half to death. I don't know the answers sometimes. I just don't.
Not for my family, and not for my friends. I wish I did. I wish I could just say.. oh yes, of course, this is why.. and explain things so that they make sense, and stop the pain. To stop the wondering, the what ifs and indecision.
The questions are different. The problems are harder, and I'm a lot older.
I don't have the answers. Maybe if they'd been asked of me when I was 16 and thought I knew it all...
Pit Bulls have a really bad reputation. Some folks swear they're great and loyal pets, while others insist the dogs are nothing but killers waiting for a chance to strike.
I know that after I saw what a few pit bulls did to my sister's car, (they practically ate it trying to get to a cat that had hidden under her hood, seriously) it never crossed my mind to get one, or have one within 500 yards of me, or the grandkids.
However, I found one. A puppy. Lost, and alone up at mom's. By her building.
Since the dogs up there tend to destroy the cars, mom said to take it and get rid of it. So I did. (Took it, didn't get rid of it...yet)
The lil guy was eaten up with mange, he looked half starved, he was terrified to come near us, but looked like he wanted to more than anything. Finally we coaxed him out and put him in the box and brought him home. To my way of thinking, we could clean him up, feed him, get that mange healed and take him to the pet shop so they could find a good home for him. (We don't have an animal shelter here.)
After a week, the mange was gone, he'd gained weight, and the little fella (I call him Doc Holiday) comes running any time he sees us. He's not an aggressive pup, he's very submissive... he's only just now allowing his tail to wag instead of keeping it tucked between his legs, and now he's actually standing when he runs to us, instead of crawling on his tummy. He's a sweety.
He loves Mallory and Mikyla so much.. but he seems to know they're off limits.
When they're in the yard, he goes close to them, those big eyes look like he's just DYING to be hugged, that tail wagging, semi crawling towards them only to high tail it and run if they get close...just to semi craw near them again when they go back to playing on their swing, or trying to climb the dogwood tree.
Doc Holiday just seems so sweet, so friendly, so loving and trusting now, it's going to be hard to get rid of him. But still, he's a pit bull. They just go crazy and attack when they're older, for no good reason, don't they? So I called the pet shop. He couldn't take Doc, he's lost his license to sell dogs for a while.
Ok, fine. Doc's still a pup. I still have time before he turns into a killer, to find him a good home. Meanwhile, he's outside, living happily in the shed, enjoying the yard - keeping the cat in line. (They have a love/hate relationship - Doc loves eats the cat's food and the cat hates that.)
A couple of nights ago, my sister came over with Nick. Doc Holiday growled at them, it was dark, and they were strangers after all, and this is his (new) turf. He growled hard, and you can imagine how much that 6 inch pup scared Lisa and Nick! They both stomped their feet at him and he took off flying- hid beneath the building. But he didn't stop growling. He growled and growled and growled at them!
Lisa came in and told on Doc, and I went to see, and sure enough, he was peeking out from anunder the shed, his eyes locked on her, just growling like he was a starving panther.. It made me uneasy. That puppy won't always be a puppy. When he's bigger, and a stranger stomps his or her foot at Doc, will he chew said foot off to the hub?
Still, when Doc comes running to play, I just can't see the killer in him. He's a darling puppy.
Lisa warns me.. "They have jaws as strong as a hyena when they're mad."
I have to find a home for Doc. I know I do. Fast. So he can grow up there and be used to the family who takes him. But .. then mom called me yesterday.
Lisa tattled to her about Doc's growling.
She was worrying.. "That dog will turn on those babies when he's older." "His mother is horribly vicious, I think she and the pup's father are the dogs that destroyed Lisa's car!" "Get rid of that dog!" "If I had known you were going to keep him, I'd never told you to take him!" "He's cute now, but when he's bigger he's going to hurt one of those kids" "No! You have to put him to sleep! If you give him away to someone, they're not going to realize he's from vicious parents and they'll trust him around their kids and when he attacks and kills their kids, you're going to feel bad, take him to the vet and have him put to sleep!"
My stomach sank. Put him to sleep? He's just a puppy. We just got him to trust us. How sad, I don't want to put him to sleep. :(
Is he truly apt to turn on the babies? Isn't any dog, really? I mean where there are children, shouldn't you always be careful of dogs, no matter what breed they are?
Doc is so sweet. He really is.
I went to the door this evening. Lisa was sitting on my side porch.. playing with Doc. I opened the door, all aghast and yelled.. NOOO! Don't move! I'll get something and get him off of you! I'll save you! Be careful!
She looked at me blandly and said "He just wanted to play."
"He didn't growl at you today?"
"No, he...just came running with his tail waggin' wanting to play."
"Oh.. so.. do you want to help me put him to sleep now?"
(insert scowl from her here)
She played with him for a while, and when she got ready to leave, he followed her to her truck.. I asked her if she wanted to take him with her, drop him off back at mom's so he could maybe find his way back home to his vicious mom and dad pit bull house'.. she mumbled.. "No.. he's so happy here. he's not hurting anything, there, he'd just get mean."
God please don't let Doc Holiday be a killer.
I don't want to get rid of him. He's got a sweeter temprament than even Jazzy had.