Another baby? At first I thought...bah, it's a joke, really. Just a joke, because ...well.. because! But when Sarah asked me if I liked the name Malachai, I knew, oh Lord she's not kidding.
I stared for a while, thinking wow, what on earth is she gonna do! I can't babysit anymore kids, I will lose what's left of my everlovin' mind! I don't have room in the car for another child! I would be housebound in every since of the word. Is Sarah gonna quit her job? They can't afford that! Can they? I'll have to babysit! My God! Oh Lord! God, good God, what on earth are you thinking?!
Smite me o'mighty Smiter!
Shock is an interesting emotion. First everything seems surreal, like you're not participating so much as watching from the outside. Floating in a fog of disbelief, tinged with 'what if?'.
But after it wears off, you're left with something like, soul novicane. Slightly numb, but you know that feeling is going to come back eventually.
She promised I could name her next baby, if she had one. That's how sure she was that she wasn't ever having another one lol cuz she won't like names I pick out. I'm holding her to her promise too! I am!
Another baby.
The shock has worn off. The initial disbelief and worry about Sarah's health (mental and physical), the baby's health, the car and transportation, how to babysit (if necessary) all those children - is gone. It vanished in a poof of "Bomper" humor. When mom cracked up laughing, I saw the humor in the situation. Once I laughed out loud, joking about God being miffed at me for something, I realized seriously, that no, he's not. He's blessing me. Again.
The car problem will work itself out. Sarah will be fine, the baby will be fine, God willing, the house will smell like Johnson's baby lotion again. Ah, it's Christmas, and all is right with the world. Another baby! Baby Burps! Little soft baby feet! Those eyes watching every move, like those paintings in haunted houses!
Another baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby! *snoopy dances!*
I think I'm gonna name the child... um.. um.. um.. well, I dunno. Let's see if Sarah keeps her word to let me. If so.. I'm gonna have my Rachael or Jesse just as sure as the world! Mary Rachael, Mojo Jesse.. It has to start with an M.. to match Mikyla and Mallory. Wonder if it's a boy or a girl? Wonder if its gonna like me? Wonder if it'll have green eyes or blue? Wonder if it's going to like the same things the other lil ones like? Wonder if ...Wonder if ...
Okay, enough of that. We'll just have to wait and see.
In any case, Sarah, Roy, Congratulations, kids, it's gonna be wonderful to have another little one running around with allllllll these other ones!
*laughs and holds up one hand to show sincerity*
Honest!
When one asks one to go turn the thermostat down because that one asked is burning up, one shouldn't really turn it off instead, because when the one who asked that one to turn it down is going through menapause, that one worries when icicles form on the tip of her nose that she's having a reverse hotflash and it never occurs to her that the one who was asked to turn down the thermostat in actuality turned the heat completely off and the one driping 'cicles doesn't discover that the heat has actually been turned off instead of just lower for several hours later, when SHE ALMOST FROZE TO DEATH!
*shoots you a long look before breaking the icicles from the tip of her nose, then throws them at you like darts*
Today was a really tough day. Mikyla had to have minor surgery, she's hard of hearing, always the poor darling has upper respiratory infections, ear infections, and she had to have another set of tubes put in her ears, as well as having her adenoids removed.
She was worried this past week, "Mammy I want you to be with me. Mammy, Mommy can wait in the classroom (she meant the lounge) and you stay with me, okay mammy?" I told her no, that she'd be fine with her Mommy back there, but that wild horses couldn't keep me away, I'd be in the hall, and if she needed me, I'd be right there.
She was okay with that. Sarah said that going to the hospital this morning, she herself was a nervous wreck, and she kept asking Mik, "are you scared?" "are you nervous?" to which mikyla replied "nope, mommy I'm just fine." Sarah laughed about it while we were smoking outside during the actual surgery.. and said she'd told Mikyla, ok well Mommy's a little nervous, so deal with it!" Mikyla truly was fine. I knew she would be. She's a tough kid..and she's really not scared of much aside the Chucky doll and the dark. (If Mammy's not there)
She did VERY well.. giggling after they gave her the drink.. I asked her if she knew her name.. she didn't. *laughs* When it was over, I went in to see her, to be sure in my own mind she was fine, and she was. She was sleeping at first, and the next time I went in, she was awake, but groggy. The third time I went in, it was with the Strawberry Shortcake house she'd been wanting for Christmas. (I'd asked her earlier if she thought that having to go through this surgery might mean she should have it now, rather than wait until Christmas - she responded, "Oh yes! It would help Santa out too, he'd not have to fool with it mammy, poor santa has so much to do anyway!") Sarah and Roy went to have something to eat and Dips and I stayed with Mik for a while, and when they came back, I told Mikyla that we were leaving, and I'd go to her house to see her when she got home.. she got upset, NO! Mammy don't leave me!! So I stayed longer. A while later, I asked her if she'd mind if I went out to smoke and she said sure, it'd be fine, and when I got back, she dismissed me.. said it would be ok for me to go home now. She's fine. Thank God, she's fine.
Her hearing is MUCH improved too - they had the television on for her, and the volumn was back to normal levels and she heard it just fine! Again, Thank God.
I don't know what I would do without her.
Mammy. Mikyla. Since that child has been born, if you see one, you most likely will see the other. We're just close. I've never felt that this closeness was wrong, or that it hurt anyone. I never gave it any thought. If Mikyla needed me, I was there. Period. Am I bragging on myself for it? No. I'm trying to work something out in my mind here.
I'm trying to understand how anyone could think that the relationship my granddaughter and I have could be harmful to anyone. To anyone at all. To myself. To Mikyla. Or to anyone else on this planet.
I'm stymied, because no matter how I look at it, I can't see any way under the sun that it could.
We cook together, bake, clean the house, do the laundry, go shopping, out to eat, we play games, sing, and dance - we wrestle, we talk, we doze, we listen to music together, watch television together, she's been my companion for over 4 years now, and I hers. We click. So what?
I give her that sense of "I'm special, I'm loved unconditionally, and gramma-spoiled, unabashedly." and in return, I'm loved right the hell back, spoiled in the way only a grandchild can spoil a favored grandmother - by sparking that special light in a little girl's eyes that says "Mammy, I really do think you hung the moon."
So what.
She cries if she can't spend the night with me. Her whole world goes topsy-turvy and it becomes more important to spend the night with mammy, or to go shopping with mammy, or to hang out with mammy when babysitting hours are over, than it is to have all the toys in the world. Tell me... so what?
Sometimes her mom is adament that she has to go home. Mik goes. She doesn't like it, but she goes. Most times, Sarah let's her stay, Sarah's point of view being, "Never look over anyone's casket and have regrets." Sarah herself had a very close relationship with one of her grandmoms and she understands the bond. She's never tried to cut it.
Once, long ago, I myself thought about distancing myself from Mikyla. Not completely, but some. The reason? Because Mikyla begged her other grandmom to call the "bomper" and see if the Bomper could talk Sarah into letting her spend the night with me. Her other gramma told me about it, and I must admit, for a time, I felt guilty and ashamed. She'd said, "oh no, i can't do that Mikyla honey, we have to do what your mom says, and she says no. Calling the bomper would be wrong."
Hell I'd been calling the bomper for Mikyla for over a year.
The bopper is her great maternal grandmother. She usually can persuade Sarah to see things Mikyla's way, so that she gets to spend the night. It's turned into a game, Sarah not letting Mikyla see her grin while she listens to the "bopper reporting.. " even including my dad, grampa as the "biggest bomper" when the regular sized bomper can't change Sarah's mind.
I felt guilty. Wow, it's wrong. I shouldn't be playing the bomper game so that Mikyla gets to stay. That played strongly on my mind, for days it bothered me and the next time Sarah told Mik to go home, I just said mikyla you do have to go.. we're not going to call the bomper anymore, it's wrong.
Sarah herself looked crestfallen and asked me why, and I told her. Because Mikyla's other grandmother had refused, and let me know it was wrong. And I was feeling funny about it.
Sarah looked heavenwards and said, no. Mom. Call the bomper. Mikyla needs her grandmother and that's that. Period.
I took her at her word and the bomper game went on.
There are times Sarah insists that Mikyla go home, and once there, Mikyla talks to another bomper.. her daddy. She asks him can she come back, and he usually lets her. He has no problem with it, a kiss and a hug and he either brings her, or sarah brings her, or we go get her. So what?
Fast enough the little girl will be a young woman. She will have memories of a grandmother who adored her, who was always there for her, who never lied to her, who gave her memories that will leave her feeling warm, smiling to herself...perhaps even leaving her with the grit to want to be a wonderful grandmother to her own grandchildren. A legacy of love. So what?
Her mother doesn't mind. Her father doesn't mind. So why should anyone else?
So what.
So what that I have the time, and the energy, and the desire, and my health, that I can do grandmotherly things with my granddaughter. If it isn't hurting me, or her, or her sister (whom I have equally spoiled) or her parents. So what?
That's what I've always thought. Until today.
A gentleman in the family looked at me and said "Mikyla needs broke from you."
I stood there, and I know my chin literally hit the floor. Literally. All I could manage to squeek out was "Do you think I'm bad for her?" I couldn't think straight, all I could do was stare, with my chin on the floor like that.
He said, "What if you get sick?"
I assured him I wouldn't be getting sick.
I went outside to gather myself, to try to understand why he'd think Mikyla needed broke from me, but all I managed to do was work myself into an indignant frenzy and I must confess, I wanted to stretch his bottom lip over his head and nail it to the wall.
Broke from me.
Who would Mikyla have? Her paternal grandmother loves Mikyla, but is in bad health. Her paternal grandfather is in bad health. They aren't physically able to babysit and caretake for the girls like I'm lucky enough to do.
Both aunts, maternal and paternal are unable to do it.
Sarah and Roy have to work, so they can't do it.
Who then would Mikyla and Mallory have?
Day care?
Why?
Because Mikyla is too attached to me?
What if I get sick?
So what!
If I get sick, IF God forbid, something happens and I'm not able to spend the amount of time I have with Mikyla right now - then someone else would have to step up to the plate and be there for her. Someone else would have to babysit, someone else would have to look after her. Who? I don't know. I do know this...
I thank God above, for every minute we were able to share. I didn't waste a second. I gave that child my life. She became my world...and I hers. If being an important faucet of that child's life, making her happy, feel cherished, and secure is wrong, then I'm certainly guilty of that.
Does it hurt Mikyla?
If I thought for one milisecond that it does, I'd never let her spend another day with me. I think it would hurt Mikyla more to be "broke" from me. I earnestly and sincerely do. Was Sarah ever hurt by her similar relationship with my mom? Certainly not. She was richer for it. And so was mom.
I have other grandchildren. I am an equal opportunity grandchild spoiler. However. Mikyla is the only one of them who has decided that I belong to her. The others can take me or leave me.
If anyone ever set out to 'break' my granddaughter from me.. I truly think we would all come to understand the meaning of the words "7 levels of hell to pay...". One slow level at a time.
Sorry, had to close the comments box.. those link leavers found it. thanks for the comments! Love you guys!
She's been showing off since early October. In case you didn't know, you can see it here on the web cam.
http://www.fs.fed.us/gpnf/volcanocams/msh/
She's smokin' a little bit this morning!