Juel's Journal - Part 2

Dad's Funeral

We had his funeral on the 27th. Tommy Gerald did the eulogy, and he did a wonderful job.. Dad was surrounded by family, friends, beautiful flowers. We had 2 songs played for him, "Go Rest High On That Mountain", and "Wind Beneath My Wings". I think he'd have liked that.

His silver coffin was covered in roses, blue and white - a really pretty spray. Some folks sent these beautiful throws, I'd never seen that done before. Mom bought the prettiest one - and covered him before he was buried.

We buried him up in our family cemetery a couple of lots away from Mamaw. The Pallbearers were his friend John, and Nick, Dippy, Roy, Lonnie and Don. They all looked so handsome in their suits. We put Jeans and one of Dad's favorite shirts on him - he just wasn't the suit wearing type and we just wanted him to look comfortable...and like himself. I was glad for that.

After the service everyone went to Mom's and just gathered to talk.. and the place where Dad worked sent tons of food catered from Cracker Barrel. That was awfully nice of them.

Most of the company is gone now.. Don is still here, I think he's heading back to Michigan tomorrow, but I'm not sure. I'd like to thank everyone who came to the funeral, who said kind comforting words, things you did, things you said truly made a big difference. He was so very loved. That so many were grieving with me and Mom and Lisa really did make it .. not easier..I don't think those are the right words.. it wasn't easy at all.. but more tolorable. Thank you, everyone.

A little about Mom. Some of you out there have asked me how she's doing.. have told me to tell her hello, and how you're praying for and thinking of her.. I did pass on those messages and she said thank you so much, they help.

Mostly, she's a rock.. sometimes she cries, sometimes she laughs, sometimes she's angry, all natural emotions, I know.. and all those things make me sad, but sometimes she just shakes her head, in shock, and just whispers his name. I know at those times she's simply trying to absorb this, she's trying to understand why, and come to terms...but hearing her whisper like that chills me to the bone. I want to hurt for her, and there's nothing I can do to reach that kind of pain and loneliness. She's going to be alright, it's just going to take some time. She was with Dad for a long long time.

At the hospital, I would go out to the smoking booth.. it was directly across from Dad's hospital room window. I'd sit and watch him move his feet... that was all I could see of him from there. On the morning of the first day in the hospital, I was out there smoking and glanced over to his window (we had a code - we kept the blinds open and pulled up, if something went wrong in the room, we'd close the blinds to let those outside know to come back inside) and I saw Mom standing there, just staring out at me, and the stance, the expression, it spoke volumns. I took a photo, and she'll probably kill me for posting it, but this shot just explains everything to anyone who wants to know how Mom's doing.

She's there, rock solid.. immovable, yet so very vulnerable.

Mom, I love you. I'm so sorry. I can't make this go away, I can't sugar coat it, I can't even come up with words to make you feel slightly better. I can't hug you tight enough to squeeze out that poison-pain, I can't do anything but be here while you exist, because I know that's all you're doing right now. One day, I pray the existing becomes living again, I'm sure it will.. you are strong. One day I hope when you laugh, it's from your heart. I will do anything I can to help you make it through the days until you're sick of the sight of me.

I'm tired now, I'm going to lay down by Maegan - she's grumbling and pointing at me. Sarah and Roy went back to Missouri this evening and the girls are missing them.

Thanks again everyone. I love you. G'nite.

Posted by juel at July 29, 2007 11:24 PM