September 27, 2007
Dad's Been Gone 2 Months
Today was about the loneliest day I have ever had. It just seems like Dad was on my mind at every turn. I used to take pictures with my old Mavica, toss the disks into a shoebox and think that someday when I was old, I'd go through them again and see what was in there. Well.. I started going through them tonight.. naturally, looking for photos of Dad. I found quite a few.. I'll post some of them here tonight though you've probably seen them on other journal posts. He was a beautiful person, inside and out. God I miss him so very much.
Lisa and Mom are doing alright, they're getting by. I worry about both of them though, I guess I can't help but worry. Sometimes, like today, I'm not much good to anyone. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I dreamed about Dad last night.. a crazy dream, it had 4 folks in it who have died and gone on.. it's unusual to dream of one, but this one was pretty nice.
We were all at Mamaw's old place, I was out on the hill in back with Papaw, working in the garden. Two cars pulled up, service cars, like when someone is killed in the army they send those cars with people in them to tell you your loved one is dead..and I got scared. Because in the dream, my uncle Lonnie and Bon's husband Kelly were in the service..and since there were 2 cars, I thought they'd both been killed. Papaw did too, he tensed up and watched the women walk up the hill towards us with something in their hands.
The women smiled and said for us not to be afraid, that Lonnie and Kelly were alright, they were just there to give out quilts and plaques to families of soldiers.. so while they were giving those things to Papaw I went inside. There in the living room, Dad was sitting on the couch, watching television. He said, Hey Jute, got a minute? I said I sure do, just let me run to the bathroom, I'll be right back.
I left the living room, went into the kitchen and Mom and Mamaw were sitting at the kitchen table just talking up a storm. I don't recall what they were talking about, but it was just like old times. Mamaw called for me to sit and talk to them a while, so I did, then I must have forgotten all about Dad because I went out the front door and across the road. The house that's really there wasn't there in my dream.. it was a pond there, and a small trailor like house on the edge of it.
I walked up the steps and there was my Uncle Don sitting on the porch beside his ex wife Linda. She was so friendly.. she stood and smiled and reached for my hand and she said, you know, I never did get to show you all of my baby pictures of Kim.. do you have time to come in and see them now? I said Sure I do..and started to follow her inside. About that time, Mom came walking up and I woke up.
I sure do wish I'd gone back to talk to Dad.. Can't control a dream, but Damn I wish I'd just sat down and seen what it was he wanted to talk about. Still, it was wonderful in that I got to see them all again. That was an odd but sweet dream. Maybe that's why I had Dad on my mind all day today, and the hateful date had nothing to do with it.
We went to the cemetery today and I put a little ceramic angel on his grave. It tears me up to see his name on that tombstone. I dont think I'll ever really get used to that. People say it just takes time, but for the life of me I don't see how time, or anything else is going to take away this emptiness. If I could hold dispair in my hands, I'd drop it because it would be too heavy.
I've said before.. if you still have your Dad, (and your Mom) call and tell them you love them. Don't put it off. But then I got some feedback, Hey, Juel, you were lucky.. my Dad wasn't very good to me. I never had a Mom. I don't know my Parents they gave me away, so on and so forth.. they reminded me how blessed I was to have had Dad. I already knew that. Really I did. I just forget other folks aren't as lucky. I'm so sorry. :(
Anyway.. this pitiful-rambling-late-night-missing-my-Dad-post is done.
I love you all, good night and sleep sweet.
Posted by juel at September 27, 2007 01:15 AM