Sarah would have done anything she could for anyone who needed help. Now, it seems she's having a hard time just helping herself. I worry about her. I guess I always will. She called this afternoon, sent some money for the girls..she sounded alright. She said they were heading into Louisiana to work today.
In the old days, Dad would have been at the supper table with us tonight. He and Lisa would have sat there shooting the shit about work, test results, other employees.. mom and I would have been rolling our eyes, laughing about private jokes... getting curious glances from Dad and Lisa from time to time. That was fun. The kids would have gotten on Dad's nerves while he would be sitting there pretending they weren't bothering him at all, not one bit...and we'd have laughed about that.
In the old days, Nick would have had 2 slices of cake, and wouldn't have looked so lost and forlorn as he was in my den tonight. He'd have been hounding Dad to hurry - that they had to get to the store to get their lottery tickets before it got too late.
Dippy would have been pacing, checking the fireplace, listening to the table talk, contributing now and then with the craziest things to make Dad laugh.
Tonight, I looked around at those at my table. The only real part of my life I can depend on, I can count on to be here, who've always been here. And so though Dad wasn't here to carry on with Lisa, I had to give thanks. And I do, from my heart.
This sounds like so much mind mush. I suppose only I can know what I'm trying to say.
In the old days, I used to believe pretty much anything told to me, at least a big portion of it. These days I nod and pretend I believe, all the while wondering when it came to pass that I became such a dumbass it was thought by some that I was gullable to believe just about anything. I like to think I've toughened up. I think I've shown one of the chronic liars in my life that I have. And I have. I will accept no more of it. Period.
Sometimes I sit here late at night when the house is quiet, and I wonder where my own little girls went. I wonder where these current little girls are going to be in 20 years - and will they be safe and happy. I know I can't dwell on that...that's for them to decide. But while they're here, while they're mine for a time - I'll see to it that they're safe, warm and happy, and very very loved. And they are.
Mom, Lisa, Nick, Dips - Thank you all. For everything. I love you.
In the old days, we didn't get wicked lightening and thunder storms in almost mid January. That was freaky tonight, but I have to say I did enjoy it.
I think Bonnie is upset with me. She and Kelly brought the boys last night, and after a while I got Tristan and I put a blanket down in the den on the floor, much like I did with the rest of them when they were Tristan's age. Then I just lay beside him, and talked to him and then just started picking at him when he started smiling at me, responding to me, and I'll be danged if I didn't coax his very first outright belly laugh out of him! His laugh! It's deep and gravelly! He laughed like I would expect an old man wearing nothing but a trench coat would sound like as he flashed some unsuspecting victim.. it was so comical. He did it twice for me, true deep laughter, all the way to his eyes.. when Bon and Kelly heard that here they came, boy, down on that floor, trying to get him to laugh for them. I eased up and back to my spot at the kitchen table to watch them, the goings-on, and Kelly said Tristan laughed for him twice too. I didn't hear it, but I know I wanted to belly laugh at their attempts, so it's pretty likely Tristan did too. *laughs* Bon, I'm sorry I got his first laugh.. NOT!!!
Well, enough of the old and new for another night. I'm going to bed. G'nite world!
Posted by juel at January 11, 2008 02:26 AM